My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
