I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
