You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
