: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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