It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
