did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
