Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
