Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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