i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
