and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
