My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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