i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
