Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
