He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
