Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.