there's paper in my vomit.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
did i walk over a car last night?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked