I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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