I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
