Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself