So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
