I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
