He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
