she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
