ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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