apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
