You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
