My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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