Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
