her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
