She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
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The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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