When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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