I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
