Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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