you have to choose: penises or morals?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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