god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
