i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
