My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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