I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
