you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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