Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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