just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
