Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
