He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
