So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
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