My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
