She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
