You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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