is your mom at the bar?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
