He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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