my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This baby is an asshole
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
