how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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