non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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