I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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