Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
