We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
