I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
