I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
