I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
