I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
