just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
