Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
