There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
